a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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