and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
