Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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