we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
