Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
