you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
