is your mom at the bar?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
