My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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