Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
and you fell through a lawn chair
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
