So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
