i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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