You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
