I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
