Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
