I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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