i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
