you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
