too bad you live with your parents still
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
