It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
