so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
