you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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