Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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