I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
