Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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