Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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