I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
