we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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