dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
