i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
