I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
