Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
