don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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