I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
