My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
