I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
