he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
where does the pee come out of this thing
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
