my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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