girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
