Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
