I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
