You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
