dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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