my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
