Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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