Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
