If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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