i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
