Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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