Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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