My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
be right there i have to get my cape
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
