oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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