I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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