my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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