Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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