my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
