it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
