She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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