So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I accidentally had phone sex last night
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
