I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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