my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
