does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
