Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
